I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
