the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
