my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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