How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish I only lived at night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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