oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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