On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
