omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
