I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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