Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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