The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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