Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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