if only i could text you this smell
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
