Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
