just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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