I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
40s are totally the cure
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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