Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i need some magic done to my vagina
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
