I hate your face
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He felt like a one man threesome
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
