You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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