I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
