Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
