Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
