Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
do nipples grow back?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
