There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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