when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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