Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
