So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
