it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
