you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
