'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
