Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
