if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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