I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
