Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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