Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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