wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
