I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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