Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
