Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
