i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
