The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
