cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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