How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
