How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize