I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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