I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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