Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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