My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize