I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
