i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
