Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
