I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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