You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
