Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
