My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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