You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
People in love make me want to vomit
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
