I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My butt remains clenched, sir.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
