the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
