My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
