how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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