I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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