i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
